I Don't Need a Doctor

This essay was written by Marcela Valle and was posted to ICAN online 5/19/07. It was written after she'd had a coversation in which she explained why she was choosing a midwife for her second birth.
It is reprinted here with her permission

Don't you want a doctor?...

It is a question I have been asked, "Don't you want someone who can handle *anything*?" When I heard this question, so many feelings boiled inside me so fast that my answer constituted: "No, because I don't want someone waiting for the slightest opportunity to cut me open again." And, while that holds true, there's so much more than that and it deserves to be put into words…

I don't want a doctor because I believe in my ability to birth. I believe that Mother Nature/Creation/ God(s)-or whomever you revere- have given us the ability and the opportunity to birth, and to go through that passage for a reason. Over the years in North American culture, we have lost sight of such experience and its purpose. It has been said before, that "A child is born, and so is a mother."

I don't want a doctor because they are experts in many things, but not normal birth.

I don't want a doctor because I want a birth attendant who believes in me. An attendant who will empower me, and support me, and tell me to get it together and birth this baby. I choose someone who will encourage me to be educated and make decisions with me, not for me.

I don't want a doctor because I am not making decisions based on fear. I make decisions based on research, and logic and, all the while, I also follow my heart.

I don't want a doctor because, despite widely held beliefs, birth in a hospital is not as safe as birth outside a hospital. Birth with a midwife, at home, is a rational choice.

I do not want a doctor because I am more than a paycheck, a liability, or a 'difficult' patient.

I do not want a doctor because I do not need to wait an hour in a waiting room to be seen for 5 minutes and by someone who needs to look at my chart to know my name. Instead, I want to be welcomed with a hug, offered water, a snack, and have an hour talking about my pregnancy, my feelings, and my birth plans.

I do not want a doctor because I do not need to feel scared about being an inconvenience, or have questions, take too much time, be too "needy" or have too many expectations.

I don't want a doctor because I want to be regarded as a healthy birthing mother. I am not sick, I am not a patient. I am full with life.

I don't want a doctor because birth is NOT an emergency waiting to happen, it is NOT dangerous. A doctor makes you believe birth is unsafe and you need them. After all, they would not have a job otherwise. A midwife trusts the process and allows it to take its course without fitting it into a box or random standards.

I don't want a doctor because I want someone who can handle things without a knife and someone who knows how to help me get the baby into a better position and over a pubic bone, and whatever else, without slicing me open or using torture devices.

I don't want a doctor because my body works. And it works best if not surrounded by strangers poking, probing and interrupting my concentration.

I don't want a doctor because I know I WILL go into labor, my hips are NOT small, they're the perfect size. My baby is NOT too big, my body CAN dilate, I am NOT a failure to progress…I DO NOT need to be saved. By not having a doctor, I AM saving myself.

I don't want a doctor because I don't want him, or a calendar, or a clock to tell me when I HAVE to birth and how fast I need to dilate. My body knows it, my baby knows it. We'll do it when it's time for the baby to be born, and time for me to birth my child.

I don't want a doctor because I don't want to be offered an induction (or be cut open) because it's close to Christmas, Mother's Day, or Labor Day. I won't be hurried because there's a golf game, a cruise, or a date to be made, or it's just inconvenient for me to wake them up at night or to take too long.

I don't want a doctor because I don't want to be imprisoned in a bed "just in case" and I don't want to have to stay still so a machine can work properly and the nurse doesn't have time to come into my room.

I don't want a doctor because I do not need to ask for permission to use the rest room, move around, eat, or have an opinion. Nor, do I need scare tactics and a "dead baby" card when I opt out of a procedure done only to cover the doctor's legal butt.

I do not want a doctor because I appreciate being talked to respectfully, and acknowledged, and being taken into account. I DO WANT TO KNOW, AND I WILL worry my little head about it, after all, it is my birth, my child, and my responsibility to do so.

I don't want a doctor because I don't want an electronic monitor to tell someone how I'm doing or whether I am in pain or not, or if my baby hugs are adequate enough.

I don't want a doctor because I don't want someone to "manage" my birth, and "solve" things by using interventions, which may lead to more interventions, which would be solved with even more interventions

I don't want a doctor because I don't want to be silent. I will groan, and moan, and sing if I want to, and my midwife may sing with me.

I don't want a doctor because* I *will birth my baby. My midwife will be present at my birth but nothing (besides food) will be *delivered*.

I do not want a doctor because I am not birthing on my back, or holding my breath or counting to 10.

I don't want a doctor because I don't want my child to be poked and prodded before we have a chance to hold each other. I want my baby to hear my voice first.

I don't want a doctor because I cannot bear another cut into my uterus and my heart, nor can I bear to watch another baby of mine born into blinding bright lights, deep suctioning, IV's and antibiotics.

I don't want a doctor because I have all it takes: wisdom, strength, courage, faith and a vagina.

New Blog on Blogroll- Please Pray

I am a frequent poster on some message boards/forums on iVillage.com and my community leader for my November 2008 Expecting Board developed a tear in her bag of amniotic fluid. She was just shy of 18 weeks when this happened. The Dr's only gave her a 3% chance of making it to viability (24/25 weeks). It's been almost 2 weeks and she still had lots of fluid, no infection, and was given a 25%-50% chance of making it to viability!! This is a wonderful Christian family. Please join me in praying that their baby will make it to viability and beyond. God CAN work miracles!!

Fail Blog

I found a new blog. I have enjoyed some wonderful belly laughs (and I have quite a belly these days) that are healing to the soul. I thought my readers (hi Jen! LOL) might enjoy this as well. :o)

http://failblog.org/

Love

Love is the center of everything in our society. But our society's view on love versus the Christian's view on love are VERY different. I guess I've started reflecting upon this because my husband and I are very quickly approaching our 6th anniversary. We love each other. We love each other more now than we did the day we were married, but the love we have for each other is NOT the "mushy heart's all aflutter" kind. The love we have for each other is very deep, it has substance. So, here are my thoughts and beliefs on what love actually is...and is not.

Some believe that love is the aforementioned feelings. If you don't have the butterflies, or feel the sheer euphoria then you must not be in love and so why stay married? Right? Why stay together as boy/girl friend? What IS love?

What is love?

Love is a choice. Pure and simple. I have days where I truly can not stand my husband. I look forward to him leaving for work and taking his sour mood and ill temper with him...and being in bed by the time he returns. But I still LOVE him. (PS, Baby, these days are few and far between...just so you know). Most days I hate to see him go because he IS my best friend, we have such awesome conversations, and are quickly arriving at the same page in regards to parenting and our goals/desires/dreams/prayers for our family. I miss him while he's gone. But, even on the days when I wish I could send him off without the pomp and circumstance, shoo his back side off to the car to go in to work early, I still make the CHOICE to LOVE my husband.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a says, "Love is patient, love is kind, and it is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant. Does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account the wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."

No where does God say that Love is a warm, gooey, mushy feeling and that lovers will never fight or get frustrated with each other.

Love IS patient and kind. Husbands and wives must learn to be patient with one another. The loss of patience leads to fights, misunderstandings and hurt feelings. If you CHOOSE to love your husband (or wife) you choose to try to be patient with one another, to learn to understand his/her perspective, and to try and see the other's point of view as you work through your issues. It does NOT say that when you love someone you put your own desires first, or that you love them as long as it feels good or is convenient.

My husband and I have our own issues that we have to work through, and they change from week to week, month to month, and year to year. This is normal. But we CHOOSE to work through our problems. I will admit that I believe that lately I've become, in some areas, rather selfish. I am not feeling well and I crave his help and attention because to ME it tells me that he loves me. If I am thirsty and ask for a glass of ice water. It's mundane and irritating to him, but when he brings me the glass of ice water (when I'm lying in bed w/ our son trying to get him to sleep, or simply exhausted) then to ME that says, "Darling, I hate doing this, it's a pain, you have two good legs, but I love you and know you are tired right now so I will bring this for you anyway."

This brings me to my next point. Lovers don't' speak the same love language. Everyone expresses love in different ways. For me, it's acts of service. I will do ANYTHING for those I love and go to any length for those I care about to help them. When I see it reciprocated to me, this tells me that I am loved and cared about. My husband does happen to have the same love language, but we speak different dialects. To me, him picking up a room that is cluttered with the children's toys without being prompted, or simply without complaining when I DO ask for help, tells me that he loves me. For my husband, doing things for his family and reaching out to them tells him that I love him. This is NOT an action that comes naturally to me, and I struggle with it. But I try because this tells my husband that I love him and I will do what I need to so that HE understands this in his own language.

Anyway, that's about it for my current musings on this very important topic. I love my husband, I always have and I always will. I CHOOSE to love him every day.

26

That's how old I turned this past Thursday. I'm 26 years old. I am almost done with my Associates Degree, I have been married almost 6 years, and I have a 4 year old daughter and 2 year old son with another child on the way. On one hand I feel so old. On the other I feel too young to have so much in my life...so much that enriches it and fulfills it.

Anyway, I spent my birthday running errands and tending to my son who came down sick that night: severe diarrhea for 2 days now and a temp of 101 for as long. I'm now sleep deprived and exhausted and FEELING older than 26. But, I am 26 none the less: an old 26 or a young 26 depending on the day.

Please Continue to Pray

I posted earlier this month about the passing of an online friend's son. He had cancer (Leukemia) and the chemo and antibiotics killed his gut. Anyway, she continues to update his site/blog with updates as to how the family is doing, but mostly about how she is doing. She's having a difficult time, as I would imagine. She lost her SON! Her son who was so close to her they were very close friends. The pure pain and raw grief that spill forth from her words as she writes inevitably brings me to tears. I feel helpless to help her or bring her even the tiniest amount of comfort because she was "just an online friend." I feel so much hurt for her pain and wish SO MUCH that I could even help shoulder the burden. But, I know that I can not and not one can except Our Lord. So please continue to pray that God can give her more and more good days, days without the guttural, primal excruciating pain that leads to her moans and sobs, and more days where she can find peace and help her to learn how to be a mother to her other children who have been without her for SO long. Please pray that these days pass quickly for them all and she'll wake up and find 6 months has passed, or even years have passed, and the pain is now a dull ache, a hole in her heart that doesn't hurt like it does now. I just want her and this family to find peace and to desperately ease their hurting...and praying for them is the only way I know how.

The Cow

So, after our trip to the ER, since it was past dinner time we decided to go to BK to get some burgers and fries for the kids b/c they were so good (and BK has a nice $1 menu). We rounded the corner of the building after paying and picking up our order, and this is what we saw across the parking lot in the grass at the edge of the parking lot.



Yup, a beef cow had gotten out from the neighboring pasture and made it's way into the BK parking lot.

I called the Sheriff's Department (b/c Animal Control only deals in dogs and cats) and the conversation with the Dispatcher went something like this.

Dispatcher: Hillsborough County Sheriff's Department, how may I help you?

Me: I'm calling to report a cow loose at McIntosh and I-4.

Dispatcher: You're saying there's a cow loose?

Me: Yes ma'am.

Dispatcher: Is the cow on McIntosh or on I-4?

Me: Well, actually, it's in the Burger King parking lot there at McIntosh and I-4.

(I heard silence and then some snickering in the back ground. It appeared as though the Dispatcher lady couldn't decide if this was some sort of prank call or not)

Dispatcher: There's a cow loose in the Burger Kin parking lot?

Me: Yes ma'am.

Dispatcher: Seriously?

Me: Yes ma'am. I took a picture with my cell phone.

Dispatcher: (laughing hysterically by this point)

Me: Well ma'am, I guess the burgers are going to be fresh tomorrow! (laughing hysterically too by this point)

Dispatcher: (cracking up and roaring with laughter by this point because of the sheer irony of the situation: a cow wandering around the parking lot of a Burger King) Oh My GOSH!

Me: Yes ma'am. This isn't a joke. I am calling you because Animal Control apparently only deals with dogs and cats and not live stock, so I figured calling you would be the best choice since you could send the appropriate people out to handle the situation before the cow makes her way into McIntosh or worse, I-4.

Dispatcher: Thank you for your call, we can handle the situation and I'll send someone out right away.

That was the end of our call. So, when my children ask me to explain irony to them when they're older, I'll simply tell them: a cow getting loose and making it's way into the Burger King parking lot to graze.

Sweet Pea and the ER

With hands shaking from nerves, I had to take my precious Sweet Pea to the ER yesterday. I was nervous b/c a) she was hurt and b) the last time we took her to the ER (at 14 months of age with a broken leg from a freak fall off her changing table, and how we discovered her low bone density) she was taken away from us by DCF and I was accused to snapping my precious little girl's leg like a twig (and even some people close to me doubted my side of the story, siding with the ER Dr. to add insult to injury).

Sweet Pea was playing with my friend's youngest daughter (Blog link SAHM and Air Force Wife). We don't know if they got mad, or the play simply got out of hand, but some how Sweet Pea ended up being pushed into the desk and cutting open her eye lid just below her eye brow. It didn't bleed all that much, but when I got her eye cleaned up and the blood down to just an ooze I realized the cut was deeper than a scratch and needed medical attention. I called our ped's off and had him paged to find out where he wanted us to take her (he has hospital privileges at one of the hospitals in the area) and he said to just take her to the local ER (not his hospital). My friend dropped off me and the kids (DH was at Busch Gardens w/ the car and car seats) and DH met us at the ER. We were in and out in an hour, and thankfully the ANRP who treated Heather was so thrilled that I am a Lactation Consultant that she was more interested in asking my opinion on tongue tie in a baby (her grand son) and viewed me as a professional peer (just with a different specialty) so she never questioned Heather's injury. That was my biggest fear: that b/c the injury could easily have been received by a hard slap or punch out of aggression that I would, once again, fall under the suspicious eye of Dr's and DCF.

I was right in taking her though. She needed her cut glued shut. She never whimpered, just asked questions about what was going on, and watched TV the whole time. She was SUCH a big girl and I was (and am) SO proud of her!

Oh, and FWIW, I was able to back up the ANRP's concerns and agree that with tongue tie to the level she's describing it needs to be clipped. For those interested, tongue tie can cause much more damage to a baby than just cause problems breast feeding. It can cause the palate of the mouth to become misshapen, or not shape properly, which can restrict or compromise blood flow to the teeth and not only cause crooked teeth, but even cause teeth to die off and leading to false teeth and bridges. There's much more in play than just breastfeeding.

So, today my little girl has a nice shiner and glued eye to show off her fun times with her friends. And yes, she's already asking to go play with her friend again. My girl, the social butterfly like her mama!

The Pharmacy Post

The Pharmacy. You get your prescriptions filled there, right? You go with a little piece of paper that has illegible handwriting from your beloved doctor, hand it to a mousey guy in a lab coat, sit around for an hour twiddling your fingers while telling your child no, they can NOT eat the midol/candy/vitamins and no, they can NOT play with all the toys in the toy isle, pull all the books off the book rack, or open all the bottles of soda. Fun, right? You leave with a little bottle in a bag (liquid if you have small children, pills for yourself) and now legible directions on how to dispense this medication, and go home to heal yourself or your child. Simple, right? (insert major eye roll)

Apparently my pharmacy (Walgreens on Thonotasassa/Baker St. for those that know me) can't get it right.

My migraine started Sunday night/Monday morning with the arrival of a nice new pressure system that brought with it some MUCH needed rain. I lay in bed in agony, poor hubby unable to help and by now (after 6 years of marriage) so accustomed to my pain that he just ignores me unless I ask for something (what else can the guy do when he can't ease my pain? He enjoys surfing the web, playing games, watching TV, and if hte kids are up he tends to them...for which I am eternally grateful). By 3:30am I knew I needed help...and my migraine meds weren't cutting it. So, I pulled out two prescriptions that I'd had stashed away from the ER (from one of my frequent trips to the ER for migraines this pregnancy...they now recognize me on sight, sad huh?), handed DH the insurance card for my new secondary insurance (yay! no more co-pays!), and off he goes to the pharmacy for me. I could kiss and hug this man for doing this for me at 4am, but I'd have probably thrown up all over him from the pain so not a good idea.

He comes home 45 min. later (it's a 10 min. drive each way normally, but we are now dealing with road work so it now takes longer at 4am. He tosses me two bags and I notice the receipts: we had to pay the co-pays! I asked about this, asked why we had to w/ the secondary insurance, and he said he didn't know but he'd given the pharmacist the insurance cards: both of them. Oh well, I'm in too much pain. I down a LorTabp with a side of soda and go to bed.

I wake up several hours later, take the other (larger) half of the pill, puke (new symptom this pregnancy: I can't take narcotics w/o puking...lovely), and lay back down only to discover that I'm now nauseous, high, and yes, still in pain. (Oh, side note: while I'm puking at 7am, my precious little son runs into the bathroom, pats my head, and hands me a clean wash cloth...he's such a sweet boy. However, he was then joined by his sister and I found myself puking with an audience cheering me on...Go away, kids! Let mommy puke in peace!)

I spend the rest of the day downing Fiorocet every 2 hours, and finding my migraine fluctuating between all out migraine and just throbbing headache that felt like my eye ball was being stabbed with a knife. Even my emergency chiropractic adjustment didn't get rid of it.

FFW to today. My OB calls this same pharmacy and leaves an Rx for more fiorocet b/c after weeks of migraines I'm almost out. We take Sweet Pea to the ped. and get 2 more Rx for her, plus one for my little man for more of his eczema oil (it's the ONLY thing that keeps him from having quarter sized open weeping, oozing wounds all over his body from his eczema). I take my bag of meds from yesterday with me to dispute the co-pays. They find themselves (they, that is the pharmacy people) with all my Rx's and problems, etc. and finally it's all sorted out (hey, I had a GREAT conversation with my dad while waiting about a house we're trying to buy...he's agreeing to co-sign so now we're just trying to find the best interest rate to finance it). Finally,they call me up to the counter, hand me a dozen bags, issue a refund, and I leave. The reason I'd been charged a co-pay? The pharmacist on call the night before HADN'T EVEN ENTERED MY NEW SECONDARY INSURANCE INTO THE COMPUTER!!!! This annoyed me, but hey...what ever.

I get home. Sweet Pea's once again burning up. I give her more Motrin, and go to give her the 1st dose of HER z-pack and find to my horror THEY DIDN'T MIX UP THE POWDER!!!! They sent me home with a bottle of powder! What if I'd NOT been an experienced or thinking mommy? What if I'd measured out 1 tsp. of the powder for her to take (in a spoon of yogurt, milk, etc.)???? She'd have been REALLY sick! The powder is concentrated, which is why it has to be mixed up (plus it makes it easier to take). So, back to the pharmacy we go. 2nd trip.

The Pharmacist, when I told/showed her what happened, started screaming at some poor girl right out of pharmacy tech school. I've never seen a pharmacist so mad before, and never seen one scream at their assistant in front of customers like that...but they knew if this had happened to someone who didn't have a clue what was going on, it could have been serious. They apologized profusely, corrected the problem, Heather and I leave (by now it's 2pm and we haven't had lunch...which is making me very nauseous). So, we have to go by McD's and order from the dollar menu b/c DH and I are broke college kids trying to get by until we're done with school.

I get home, give her the medicine, DH goes off to work and all is well in the world.

Until my last fiorocet wears off.

I dig through the million or so bags we'd bee sent home with to find my new bottle of happy pills (aka, migraine meds!!!). Imagine my sheer horror and outrage to discover that I'd been sent home without it!!!!

Yes, I had to drag two children back out into the heat, drive ANOTHER 10 min. each way, while in excruciating pain, to get my meds that they didn't give me. I was beyond livid. I was looking at a TOTAL of 1 hr of drive time just going to/from the pharmacy! Oh, and gas is around $3.80 right now.

I called the store and asked to speak to the store manager. 1 mistake at 4am, okay...I can understand and they fixed the situation. 2 mistakes, one that could have harmed my daughter, okay...annoying, but hey...everyone makes mistakes, right? We all had/have to be new on our job at some point, right? THREE mistakes, costing me a total of an hour of driving to/from the pharmacy in agony w/ 2 whining kids (plus the wait times) and I'm mad. It's inexcusable. The store manager was mad to hear how we'd been treated, and mortified about what happened with Sweet Pea's Z-pack. (me thinks that poor girl will be loosing her job based upon how mad the store manager, pharmacy manager, and pharmacist were) He told me the medicine was ready, and in compensation for my time/gas/frustration/pain there would be a gift card in my prescription bag when I got there.

So, while we had to spend much more gas than we'd budgeted, at least we were able to get the ink cartridge for our printer re-filled!

I'm still in shock and awe over what all happened. And to think: this is our only option for a "close" pharmacy! Yes, this is why we're trying to buy a double wide in a mobile home community right now: cut costs, save on gas, and GET THROUGH SCHOOL! *sigh* At least my little girl is resting w/ her meds and my migraine is finally gone.

Sick

My precious girl is sick. Both of my children were cursed with their father's allergies, Little Dude being allergic to over 100 things that we know of for sure (thanks to the marvels of allergy testing done at the tender age or 8 and 9 months).

Well, it's that time of year again. Allergy Season. The trees are growing new leaves, the flowers are in bloom, the yards are being cut weekly...and my kids and hubby can't breath. Plus Sweet Pea got a cold. Oh, and being my child who is so tender hearted and kind and generous she shared it...with me. I ended up with a throat infection hacking up stuff that resembles slimy sludgy mucousy stuff from some B rated SciFi movie and on to a Z-Pack! (apparently while pregnant ANY infection in the body can go to the uterus and/or baby and, well, we don't want that...baby isn't viable yet). Anyway, over the last couple of days she's gone from coughing, sneezing, stuffy head/sinuses and runny nose to coughing, sneezing, stuffy head/sinuses and NO runny nose.

Yesterday, the fever set in. I had a migraine and couldn't get her to the ped. so I did what I usually do, upped her decongestants and started the motrin.

Today it was worse. Waking temp of 102. My OB calls in more migraine meds for me (THANK YOU HOPE! YOU ROCK!) and off we go to the ped. Sure enough, just as I suspected: sinus infection. (BTW: i LOVE our ped! He gets us in as soon as we can get there regardless of what's going on....and he's this way with ALL his patients! No calling and crossing all bodily appendages praying that your sick child whose eyes are glazed over and temp is 107....b/c yes, Sweet Pea's fevers get that high in the blink of an eye...can be seen SOMETIME that day...he sees you as soon as you can get there...and you rarely wait more than 30 min. with 5 being the norm).

Of course, by the time we got there her temp was normal thanks to the Motrin, but they still know her body's MO and checked her. Thank you clogged, infected sinuses. I never thought I'd hear the day that a 4 yr old ASKS for us to squirt prescription saline up her nose! LOL

As for our escapades with the pharmacy, well, that's another post. (off to start the next post...)

Breastmilk...it Does a Body Good

Jiang Xiaojuan, Jiangyou County Public Security Bureau in Sichuan is an ordinary civilian police, she was in the picture shelters for the earthquake victims in an earthquake orphans breastfeeding.

CHENGDU, China - A Chinese policewoman is contributing to the country’s massive earthquake relief effort in a very personal way -- by breastfeeding eight babies.

A newspaper in Chengdu, the capital of quake-hit Sichuan province, devoted a special page to the 29-year-old woman, calling her a “hero.”

The woman from the quake-ravaged town of Jiangyou has just had a child herself, the Western Urban Daily said.

She is nursing the children of three women who were left homeless by the quake and are too traumatised to give milk, as well as five orphans, the report said.

The babies who lost their parents have been put in an orphanage which does not have powdered milk, it said.

An estimated 50,000 people were killed in the May 12 earthquake, China’s worst natural disaster in a generation.

Birth Order

I usually just do these things for a laugh and leave it at that. This one, however, seemed to have hit the nail on the head so I thought I'd share.

You Are Likely a First Born

At your darkest moments, you feel guilty. At work and school, you do best when you're researching. When you love someone, you tend to agree with them often. In friendship, you are considerate and compromising. Your ideal careers are: business, research, counseling, promotion, and speaking. You will leave your mark on the world with discoveries, new information, and teaching people to dream.

The Birth Order Predictor

The Lord Giveth, and the Lord Taketh Away

I have been SO emotional today because of this, and will attempt to type this out without crying again.

A friend's son passed away this morning. He was 6 years old.

There's a mother I know. She is a WAHM (work at home mom) and is on two online forums that I frequent so I've know her/about her for a while. About 2 weeks after Heather was born (yes, 4 years ago) the day before her 3rd son's 2nd birthday, this boy (named Samuel) was diagnosed with Leukemia. They started chemo and after a nice battle (during which he had a younger sister born) he went into remission. After a while, he came out of remission and they opted to treat him holistically. Once again, he went into remission. He eventually came out of that remission too. Last August/September he ended up getting massive amounts of antibiotics that destroyed his gut. (For those that don't know, antibiotic use kills all the flora in the gut, even the good stuff...which is why we try so hard not to use antibiotics unless they are truly needed...and we only use them along with double doses of probiotics to help keep the good flora in the gut present...to prevent yeast infections and from killing the gut). He was on steroids for several months and that masked his symptoms.

All week I've been following his mom's blog more intently than usual because she made note that Samuel was at the end. They were no longer trying to save his life because his gut was dead...and you can't live without your gut. He ended up on enough medications of two pain meds to kill a grown man, and that was what it took to ease his pain so he could color and play with his brother and sisters.

His parents are Christians. The depth of his mother's love for the Lord is evident in her posts. The last day of her son's life she wrote about how much Samuel must love his family because he should have died many times over and continued to fight to be with them. She stated that if her son loves his family that much, how much more must God and Jesus love us? She wrote about how this is NOT God causing her son to be sick, but Satan attacking the world and us as Christians. She said that soon her son would be with God, and the cancer demons that have hurt him for most of her son's life would die along with her son's earthly body while her son danced in the presence of our Lord.

How strong is this woman? The depth of her love for the Lord and her son is inspiring.

Samuel went home to be with our Lord today. Early this morning.

My heart aches for Jen (his mother). I am a mother. I have a little boy who is only 6 weeks older than her son was when he was diagnosed with cancer. I look at my little boy, and see the life and joy in his eyes my heart breaks. Her little boy was filled with just as much joy and life and love. He was born at home, into the loving arms of his family, surrounded by his family, and he left his world the same way...in his parents' arms surrounded by his family. His siblings have learned a painful lesson about love and life. So as a mother, my heart breaks and aches for this mother and her pain.

But my heart rejoices for Samuel. He is where my heart and soul long to be: with our Lord and Savior. OH how I long for the day that I am with Christ! I pray for the sake of my children that the day I arrive in Heaven is many many years from now, but until then I still ache for it. Samuel feels no pain...no suffering. He feels pure joy and peace.

The Lord gives us children...and sometimes He takes them away. He brings people we love into our life, be it friends, family, or spouse...and He takes them away. And when those people know the Lord as their savior, the pain for missing them here on earth (especially when a precious life is ended at such a young tender age) is countered by the joy, peace, and hope that we will see them again, and that they are with God...with Jesus! We find God giving us Joy and Peace and enabling us to rejoice for those that have passed! We celebrate their life, and we celebrate their eternal life! Praise the LORD! He is with Jesus!

So please pray for my online friend and her family as they grieve the loss of a precious child, and have to help their children understand the loss as well. Please pray that this peace is brought down upon them in such a multitude that it is almost overwhelming. Please pray that they are able to find joy and rejoice in their son's blessing: being with his Savior. Please pray that they continue to turn to God as their rock and to help guide them through the pain to come.

Okay, so I failed...and for the umpteenth time today I am once again crying. I cry from sorrow, and I cry from joy.

BEWARE of Motherhood Maternity!

So I was checking my bank act. today and noticed a $20 charge from Parenting Magazine. I don't like Parenting Magazine, I've never subscribed to it, and my DH doesn't either. I called him at work and asked him about the charge. He freaked out b/c a) it destroyed our very tenuous budget for the summer (we're $600 a month short for the summer, but will be fine again come August...it's just a summer thing) b) we never subscribed to this magazine!

So, I called the 800 number associated with the charge (thank you BOA for listing these numbers w/ the charges). They said they got my information from MOTHERHOOD! They asked if I'd recently been there and been asked if I want the two free issues. I said yes, I had and that I refused. I asked that they please cancel the subscription and please refund me the money. They said no problem, and the money will be back in a week (in the mean time, that's half a week's worth of gas that we're going to be short).

I then call Motherhood. After this crazy 3 min. long schpeel about how great their products are from some British recording, I get to the menu. You know, press 1 for ___________, press 2 for _______, etc. There wasn't any option for, "I'm pi$$ed off b/c you gave out my credit information" so I had to press "0" for the "general catch all I want to talk to a living breathing person."

Then, I get a message that all their reps are busy. No biggie, I'll hold for 2 hours if I have to to find out how in the HEDES they are legally able to give out MY PERSONAL FINANCIAL CREDIT INFORMATION. Nope. "Call back later" they say.

I found a number for Motherhood's corporate office and spoke w/ a person whose entire job is dealing w/ issues regarding the parenting magazine "promo" they have going on. How sad is it when they have an entire job dedicated to this??? Anyway, she is going to investigate to make sure that all the stores know if a person says no, it means no. She couldn't, however, answer my question: how is it legal for them to give out my information WITHOUT a signature from me? She did say that when you agree to the promo, if you don't cancel the subscription within the time frame (2 months) then they (Parenting) will charge you how ever you paid for your Motherhood purchase (if paid for w/ a debit or credit card, with cash you get a bill). So my question still stands: how can they give Parenting magazine my financial (debit card) information w/o my signature? I couldn't even get a real apology from the lady I talked to. She said she was sorry that protocol wasn't followed, but not that my financial information was given out w/o my permission.

For those that don't know, Motherhood is a maternity apparel store. I've never liked their return policies, so I shop there as little as possible, but their sales are really good and affordable if you're not wanting to spend hundreds of dollars on clothing you'll wear for 6-12 months. Also, my husband says that we did get the 2 free issues, but he didn't know about the little hitch on getting charged for them and thought they'd stop after the 2 months, or we'd get a bill and he'd just call and tell them thanks but no thanks. He doesn't know how wicked Motherhood can be, and just took over the finances in our home so is we've been in a bit of a "transitional" phase. Still, I never agreed to the two free issues so some employee messed up. But still...HOW can they sell/give out my debit card information????

I am still seething, hours later, and feel horribly violated. Some of my online forum buddies are encouraging me and DH to pursue a legal suit against the company if only to stop them from doing this to any other people. We're getting our $20 back, so I feel iffy in doing this...but they're right: this company is HUGE! The mother company oversees THREE of the biggest maternity apparel stores in the country...how many other people are being ripped off or having their FINANCIAL information sold?

It's scary.

No, it's terrifying.

God Is Working

I've always said that as a Christian God is always working in my life. It's particularly neat to look back and see where His hand has been and to "see" how God has been working in your life.

Right now, though, God is working on my heart. He has been preparing my heart and my mind to become receptive to information regarding some major character flaws from those around me. This has been painful, but wonderful too. My only sadness is that I have pushed several friends away in the process.

I am a very out going person. Yes, those that know me will likely laugh at this statement because they know how true it is. I am also a passionate person. There's noting wrong with passion, but the way that I project this passion onto others IS a problem. I am a loving person who loves to share my passions with those around me. When I learn something new that I feel strongly about, I can't help but want to share this revelation with everyone I love! I want others to discover what I have discovered and to see and experience the thrill of my revelation. In short, I'm wanting to help people. This isn't wrong. However, I tend to beat the topic to death in an attempt to "win people" to my side. Rather than sharing what I've learned with my friends, I harp on the subject over and over and over until they don't want to be around me any more because they are so sick of hearing what I have to say. In short, I have a "go forth and conquer consequences be damned" mentality. This is NOT Christ-like behavior.

God has been helping me learn when to share what I think/feel with a person and when not to. When the time is right, and I drop the information for what ever topic is at hand, He has been helping me learn when to back off. This has been a HUGE revelation and is a work in progress.

The other aspect of my personality that makes this lesson so hard to learn is that when I do learn something new I turn to those I love to share the information. I HAVE to get it out, to share my excitement. I do not believe there's anything wrong with this...the line is crossed when conversation after conversation I continue to harp on the topic. Thank you to those who are patient enough to let me "get it out of my system".

I want to thank my husband for helping me to learn this about myself, as well as for putting up with me for all these years. I love him SO much! I'd also like to thank several of my friends for being loving enough to put up with me for so long, and to help me gently learn and accept that everyone is different, every family is different, and what I love and works for me may or may not work for everyone else. Thank you Kristin, Jen, and Becca. I love you girls SO much! Please continue to be patient with me as God continues to work in my heart and my life. Feel free to tell me if I'm "doing it again" in our conversations, and going beyond the simple "getting it out of my system." I love you all SO much and thank God regularly for all of you in my life.

Horse Love

As many people already know, my precious little girl LOVES horses. She's been begging me to let her start riding for a very long time now (over a year, and she's been asking for a horse of her own since Christmas 2006, yes 2.5 years old! LOL). I've been calling around for a while as well, looking for a trainer and stable that would fit my requirements. They are:

1) Not a show barn - my preschool age daughter doesn't need to be in a place training her for shows...not yet anyway.

2) Teaches english riding (versus Western) - English requires much more balance and skill than western, so I want her to learn this first and then she can learn western down the road if she wants. Not likely, though, because she wants to jump.

3) Will teach ALL aspects of equine care, knowledge, etc. not just showing up, hopping on, and riding. I want her to learn all the parts of the horse, the colors, how to groom, tack up, cool down, bathe, muck stalls, etc. as she reaches appropriate ages. (No, I'm not expecting my 4 year old to muck out a stall and tack up her own pony, LOL).

4) Affordable

5) Within a 30 min. drive

Well, I think DH stumbled upon the barn for us today. He found an add for a lady, who also offers big discounts for homeschooling families, and when I called the lady was excited that I wanted to start Heather ate the age of 4, believes in teaching all aspects of horsemanship, and met every other qualification that I had! We're going tomorrow to meet her and see the stables and if I still feel good about it, we'll sign her up for her first private lesson. :o) I'm thinking 2 lessons a month would be plenty for her, and still not impact our finances.

I Don't Get It.

I know I will step on a lot of toes by posting this, which is why I keep my mouth shut on this topic unless a) asked b) the mother/parent I am talking to is in a frame of mind to be receptive to this information and not take it as a personal attack. I NEVER mean the sharing of this information as an attack on anyone: personal or not. This is my rant, my vent. If you don't like what I have to say, then you may read another post or find another blog. It won't bother me any. This is MY place to rant.

I was prompted to write all this because I am pregnant, and as such posting on some pregnancy boards. I've finally had enough of sitting on my fingers and biting my cyber tongue, so I came to MY blog to get this all off of my chest.

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I don't claim to be perfect. In fact, I am far from it. I am a sinner just like every other human being walking the face of the earth today. I have nothing against formula. It was created to be a substitute to sustain a child who is unable to have her mother's milk (note: I will use the gender "her" so keep thing simple, but I am referring to infants of both genders). It was never intended to take the place of mother's milk simply "because." In fact, The World Health Organization (WHO) even states that the use of formula should be limited to a last resort. They recommend:

1) The mother's breast.
2) The mother's milk expressed for baby if the breast is not available or separated
3) If mother's milk is not available, the use of donated milk through milk banks
4) If no human milk is available, then use breast milk substitute.

(http://boycottnestle.blogspot.com/2007/08/industry-attack-philippines.html - about half way down the page is the quote from the WHO representative).

So, why is it then, when the rest of the world is calling formula "breast milk substitute" are educated women, women holding bachelors, masters, and doctoral degrees, making the conscious choice to not even attempt to breast feed? Why are they saying, "well, I know they say breast is best, but I just don't believe there's enough of a difference," or "Well, my other child(ren) was formula fed and s/he is healthy so I just don't believe there's that much of a difference."

Comments like these, especially coming from educated women, makes me want to bang my head into a wall. When I DO present the information on the truths, nay the HAZARDS of formula, they brush it off as "bias" and say that as an LC (Lactation Consultant) I am biased so I'm not a reliable person to get information from. *continue banging head into wall* Let me clear the air, and this common myths, not LIES, about LCs and formula.

I am a Lactation Consultant. I am educated in things that the average person AND DOCTORS do not know. EVERY SCRAP of information that I give out is evidence based, and when asked I will provide the person queering with the exact studies done by IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant, what I am aspiring to be through my work towards my BA in Human Lactation) AND DOCTORS not just in the US, but AROUND THE WORLD!!! So, if I am pulling out study after study (and yes, I have hundreds of pages of studies listed in a book of resources that I consult) done by such a diverse group of people in so many countries, how am I biased or is my information bias? I will not list my personal opinion on a matter when representing myself as an LC unless asked, and never without stating that it is my opinion only, and not yet proven yay or nay through research. Saying that I am biased against formula is like saying that engineer is biased against a piece of equipment that has been proven to be less effective than another piece of equipment through studies and research that said engineer has had no part in.

Using formula to sustain and grow a baby IS A HAZARD!!! Why? I will begin my explanation using simple, more broad, arguments and then become more specific. So site tight if you want to know WHY formula is something to be used not at your own risk, but at the risk of your child.

1) Human babies were designed to be nourished by human milk. When any other baby mammal (such as a kitten, puppy, foal, or dolphin) is separated from it's birth mother, every attempt is made to place that baby with another lactating female of it's own species. Why is this done? Every mammal species makes milk for the very very specific requirements of it's own babies growth and needs.

A baby cow needs to grow very quickly, and needs to be able to run to flee danger. Thus, it's mother's milk is made up of components to enable a baby cow to grow as needed for it's life. It's mother's milk is: 3.7% fat to accommodate rapid growth, 3.4% protein to accommodate it's quick muscular development to flee from danger, 4.8% Lactose, and 0.7% Ash. It requires 47 days to double it's birth weight. (Lawrence, 2005).

A reindeer has needs much the same, but due to it's colder climates it needs to gain much more body fast much quicker and needs to be able to run much faster, much sooner. It's mother's milk is: 16.9% fat, 11.5% protein, 2.8% lactose, and zero ash. It takes 30 days to double it's birth weight. (Lawrence, 2005)

A baby human needs to put on weight to survive any illness it may encounter but rather it needs to develop mentally much more than it needs to develop physically. The components of breast milk are designed to encourage the rapid growth that a human brain undergoes. Our milk is: 3.8% fat, .09% protein, 7.0% lactose, .2% ash. It takes your baby 180 days to double it's 6-8lb birth weight. (Lawrence, 2005)

If you are interested in learning more about this check out the book "Breastfeeding: A Guide for the Medical Professional" by Lawrence and Lawrence (2005 edition). It has an entire chapter (lengthly chapter, complete with tables and graphs) dedicated just to the biochemical make up of human milk.

2) Formula does not contain living cells that help promote the physical and mental health and development for a baby. For instance, a single drop of breast milk has over 100,000 white blood cells in it. Human milk also contains living stem cells. These are things that formula can not simulate.

3) The intestinal wall of an infant contains villi, little finger like projections. These villi act as filters for the baby's blood stream. The catch the nutritional components of the baby's diet and pass it into the blood stream while passing the waist and allergens and bad aspects on to the intestines to be excreted as waste.

Formula strips away the Villi. This causes the intestinal wall to become porous and allow for allergens to pass into the baby's blood stream. This makes the baby susceptible to developing food allergies. This is especially bad for babies who come from families with a history of food allergies. It takes 6 weeks for these villi to grow back from a single bottle of formula that may be pushed upon the mother in the hospital by well meaning nurses ("But mom, your colostrum isn't enough right now. Your baby will become dehydrated if you don't give her formula." being the most common bit of misinformation given to new mothers by nurses in the hospital). Babies that are fed a diet of nothing but formula are not allowed to regrow the villi and leave their gut in a constant state of attack.

Additionally, the villi is what is involved in the passing the lactose into the blood stream. A human baby needs lots of lactose (high in sugar) to grow; more than any other mammal baby. If the Villi are gone, then pure fat is what is causing baby to grow. This causes extra fat stores in a baby, and what a formula fed baby is more likely to develop Type 1 or Type 2 diabetes than a breast fed baby.

4) Babies that come from families prone to diabetes are more likely to develop diabetes in life if fed infant formula instead of breast milk.

*** *** ***

Now, while I have listed all of the reasons why formula is dangerous to feed your baby, I want to clear something first. I recognize that formula is needed for some babies. Some mothers are "unable" to breast feed. However, I am going to go into a mom being "unable" to breast feed.

Most mothers who do not succeed in breast feeding their babies (I am reluctant to call it "failing" at breast feeding since this is not a test) do so because of any or all of the reasons below.

* They lack a support system - the people that surround a new mother need to be supportive of her choosing to breast feed. It is something that takes much dedication and is rarely accomplished if her husband, mom, mother-in-law, friends, etc. around her are not breast feeding or not supportive of breast feeding. Comments such as "Just give her one bottle, it won't hurt," do not help the situation any. Even worse is when a well meaning mother or mother-in-law tries to undermine the mother or convince the mother to give bottles because she (the mother/MIL) wants to help feed the baby too. When the support of, "Come on! You can do this! You are doing such a wonderful thing for you baby!" and "Come on, just one more feeding/day/week/month/etc. You can do this!" to help encourage mom to reach her mini goals. These are all wonderful things that help a new mother keep going.

* "My milk dried up." or "I didn't make enough milk" is a common argument. Being bombarded with samples of formula from formula companies. The cans for the "occasional" bottle to "give mom a break" are often times the beginning of the end. If mom replaces one feeding at the breast with a bottle of formula, it is telling her body to make one feeding less of milk. That's one feeding she physically won't be able to give her baby, which leads to another feeding from a bottle, then another and another, etc. until her milk has diminished to almost nothing. When combined with someone saying, "Well, you can't make enough milk for you baby," this can be in and of itself the beginning of the end.

* When baby has a problem, and mom is not being supported or seeking advice from a breastfeeding professional (such as a Lactation Consultant or La Leche League leader), or doubts and does not follow the advice of the professional given (or even is given misinformation by a well meaning "professional" such as, "oh, you have to use a nipple shield" being a VERY common one) then the breastfeeding relationship is in peril. Combine it with the free samples on hand, mom doubting herself, and/or the lack of a good support system and their relationship is over before it started.

These are the most common reasons why new moms end up formula feeding. These are all things that are very easily remedied. With the Internet in almost every home, all a mom has to do is goggle a query to find sound, evidence supported, information from sites such as kellymom.com and llli.org. It is disheartening as an LC to see moms not utilizing these free tools and caving to any of the above road blocks. It is frustrating to see a mom not listen to the LCs and La Leche League leaders around her and rather listen to the dated, often mis-information, given by their mothers.

These are the situations that frustrate me. Not the ones where a woman had a breast reduction and is unable to breast feed. Or the baby was given bottles in the NICU against mother's wishes, and will no longer accept the breast. Formula DOES have it's place. It's place is NOT on the shelves of every store, mailed to new mothers, passed out in diaper bags, and given away at baby showers.

Very little thrills me more then when a mother whose breastfeeding relationship was damaged with her first child comes to me or any other breastfeeding professional and goes on to breastfeed her next/future child(ren). To these mothers, I applaud and hug and cheer.

In short, I wish mothers would stop listening to the lies of the formula companies that "formula is just as good" when scientifically it's proven that it is NOT "just as good." When all the evidence proves that formula is not a good thing for every baby to be raised upon just because it's "there" acting as a rubber crutch to new mothers in a society that normalizes infant feeding with cans of formula, bottles, and artificial nipples. Why can't mothers just listen to their instincts!? Why can't more mothers stand up to these societal lies!?

If you got this far, thank you for reading the rants and raves of a hormonal, pregnant, tired, mother.

(Lawrence and Lawrence (2005). Breastfeding: A Guide for the Medical Professional. p. 107. Elsevier Mosby, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. )

The Things Kids Say...

I was rearranging some stuff in my DD and DS room. (they share a room b/c DS sleeps better that way and DD LOVES it; they're 2 and 4). I pulled the crib mattress out from under my DDs bed, and set it on hers. I needed to move it to the office (soon to be nursery) so that I could put some under the bed storage boxes full of toys under her bed instead.

Well, she saw the mattress up there and asked why it was up there. Here's a dialogue of our conversation.

Me: "It's up there because we need to move it to the office. That's going to become the new baby's room, and the baby will need to sleep on that mattress."

DD: "But what is the other one going to sleep on?"

Me: "What other one?"

DD: "The other baby?"

Me: "What other baby?"

DD: "The other baby in your belly."

Me: "What other baby in my belly?"

DD: "The baby brother and the baby sister, mommy. There's two babies."

AGH!!!!! Can I scream and pull my hair out now? She's got me scared. My nephew was saying the same thing last week in OK when he saw me. Then, my mom tells me today that twins run in our family, there just haven't been any in 2 generations. GEE THANKS MOM!

*sigh* So now I'm going to beg my Dr. for an u/s on Tuesday to check for twins. It doesn't help that all my pregnancy dreams have involved more than one baby (and always boy/girl).

Rant: Health Insurance

I'm SO upset right now. DH just got the new information for insurance for his job. It's highway robbery. No kidding. We are currently paying $500 a month JUST for him and myself. Our children, being half Native American, are covered through the state. If we were to add them we'd be paying $900 a month. My husband makes $15 an hour and we survive off of his income alone (+ his VA disability of $400 a month and his G.I. Bill paying our $1100 a month rent for a modular home in a REALLY low income part of town). We just got the new rates for insurance for the next year. The current rates are crippling us, but the coverage is good. Very good. So, we found out that we're going to have to go from paying $250 a pay check ($500 a month) for insurance to $412 a pay check, or $894 a month!!!!! HOLY GEEZ!!! DOUBLING our rates! The crappy part? Our ER visit co-pay will go from $100 a visit to $200 a visit, Drs visits will go from $10/$20 a visit to $15/$25 a visit. We go from paying flat rates for things like hospitalizations to paying a percentage!!!!! WHAT THE HECK! So, they're doubling our monthly premium and then upping our co-pays and such???? He'll go from bringing home $900 a pay check to $700 a pay check and we just can't afford that!!!

We can't afford it. There's no other way around it, we can't afford it. Our only option is to drop the insurance all together and have me go back on medicaid. I DON'T want to do that. We fall in the income bracket for it in our area, but GEEZ...I don't want to have other people paying for our planned pregnancy. A pregnancy that we could afford last month but can't afford next month.

We can drop our rate down, choose a cheaper plan, but then our costs go up so much more that we can't afford the care that way either. ARG! Why does his company HAVE to go with a company that is SO STINKING EXPENSIVE!!!! There are other companies out there, why do they have to go with THIS one????

I don't know what to do. I'm in tears right now. This is SO not fair!!!

Letting the Cat out of the Bag

Baby #3 is coming November 2008!