Saturday, February 02, 2008

So Confused

I am finding myself in a state of confusion right now. I just don't know where God is taking me as a person, me as a mother, me as a wife, or us as a family.

I am currently planning on going back to USF (U of South Florida) to finish my music degree. I love music, I love flute, and I can teach out of my home to help supplement my husband's income. This will allow me to stay home and home school our children as planned. I feel very strongly about this, and so does DH (at least he feels strongly about private school or home, no public school, and he supports my desire to home school 200%).

However, God has place two passions in my heart: classical music performance and babies (yes, to those that knew me in high school...ironic...I know). I have a dream.

I know what happened to Dr. King when he had a dream, but mine is different.

Mine is to play flute. In Symphonies. To make beautiful music. While playing gorgeous classical music I feel, in my heart of hearts and soul of souls that I am closer to God...this is my way of worshiping Him. I love God with every fibre of my being.

However, my other passion is to help mothers. New mothers. To help women to educate themselves during pregnancy, but mostly to help them after their baby is born. I love to help mothers and babies learn how to breastfeed. I love supporting mothers and helping them through the hard spots, as well as supporting them in every breastfeeding decision they make. period. Even if it's to wean at 6 weeks. I love making mom feel supported (even if her decision isn't the one that I make, I love helping her feel supported regardless). I love helping mothers wear their babies, of seeing the relief and sheer unadulterated joy in their eyes as they swaddle their babies close to their hearts and their baby, who has been crying for weeks without ceasing, quiets down and sleeps safe and secure upon his mother's chest, cradled in the carrier of her choice and swaddled in her sheer, deep love. A love that comes closest to the Love that Christ has for us.

I have a chance to become a postpartum doula. I have clicked with the instructor (who also happens to be a high ranking member of DONA), she has set up payment arrangements that will make this happen financially, and I know that it would continue to push me down the path that I already love: my ministry to mothers, namely young mothers (young as mothers, not necisarily by age...but that may be the case too). I feel that this is the ministry that God has for me. But I would need someone to accompany me from Tampa to Miami over Valentine's Day to watch my own childen while I am in class. I would need to gather up the money for food and gas and a hotel room. And, I would need to kidnap my dear friend who lives down that way for an afternoon so that we may catch up either on my trip down or back (Yes, Guenavere, I mean YOU! *hugs*).

However, I also want more children. I want to keep them close, and if we were to have another girl I wouldn't want to space them out much further than they would be now so that Heather and her potential little sister could be close enough in age to be playmates and build the fond memories of sisterhood that I never was able to build with my own 3 sisters.

So, I am confused. I am praying for God to reveal himself and His will to me, but I am uncertain how to read the Bible in searching for His guidance. Can anyone suggest something to me in this area?

So, that is my life right now in a nut shell. I am confused.

Oh well, I'm off to bed. Tomorrow is the Florida Flute Fair (err...today) and I am going...with Little Dude in tow...to attempt to sit through some master classes and test some flutes. Thank you all for taking the time to read my frustrated ramblings.

1 comment:

Guinevere Meadow said...

Hey hon!

I hope you don't mind, but I've e-mailed this blog post to the women in my Tuesday Morning Moms Group. Hopefully some of them can give you some insight! We've got a really good group.

What's the weekend you'll be down here? That may be the weekend that I've planned to be away. (I suppose I could always check myself into a hotel in Ft. Lauderdale...lol!)