I feel as though I've been assaulted, abused, and raped...that something VERY important to me was stolen by an impatient dr. who may know the mechanics of birth but after more than 20 years of delivering babies is still totally clueless to the process. Birth is more than just about a happy and healthy baby. Yes...if interventions are truly needed then they are wonderful. But, with me...I'm not convinced they were. In fact, I honestly feel as though they were needlessly forced on me by a man who wanted to get home because it was Halloween. I have no doubt this man had every intention of slicing me open from the moment I stepped foot through the hospital doors. I detest this man....this man who sliced me open from hip bone to hip bone, scaring my body, and ripping my baby from my body...all to make an extra buck.
Using breathing techniques and a few minor pushes I got my baby from a -2 station to 0 station. If he had backed off, shut up, and called off his dogs (the nurses) I could have relaxed, spared my BP spike, and given birth to my baby the way that God intended.
Instead, I will never again get to experience the power of labor, of bringing forth a new life from my body. I'll never get to birth my baby in my home. I'll never have the chance to birth as God intended...and as I so STRONGLY believe in.
All because one man was impatient and had no faith in me or my body. He violated me...left me traumatized and forever changed and my body forever marred. (Seriously, my c-section scar is 8" long...by far the longest c-section scar I have EVER seen). He has left me with irreperable damage to both my body and my soul. I detest him. What was supposed to be a beautiful birth of our final child has instead left me feeling less of a woman, violated...raped of sorts.
And then the feelings that come with having a body that has failed me...2 times (well, really 3...but only 2 times that really count). I will never get to VBAC because my body can not tolerate the end stages of pregnancy. I thank God that I live in a time where my pregnancy complications can be caught and me and my babies spared, but I feel shame and heart break and heart ache from loving pregnancy and wanting to do things as close to natural as possible but knowing that because of my body I am unable to birth in the comfort of my home...in the water...in the presence of a wise, experienced midwife and the women in my life whom I love and trust.
This week has been hard for me. My emotions have overwhelmed me...overcome me...and left me battered and torn. My husband doesn't know how to help me, and the strain is great. I'm SICK of hearing, "Well, at least you have a healthy baby and that's what's important" from people. Yes, it IS important...but it is not ALL that is important. If I hear it one more time I fear I may SCREAM!!!
So, please pray that God will bring me healing in the months to come. I have already gotten involved with a group of mothers who have been through similar experiences, and the support is amazing. God has placed women in my life who are able to emotionally help me right now...but I still have a VERY long way to go towards being healed. Your prayers as I journey down this road would be appreciated. Thank you.
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3 comments:
I know how you feel.
HUGS to you!!
I just wanted to say you are not alone. I too had a horrible birth experience and am still struggling with it. My little boy is now 17 months old and a PURE JOY!! But I still feel anger every time I see a pregnant woman and wonder if she will get to have the experience I wanted.
Here's my mini-story:
I had the rare/odd reaction to the drugs given. I was only supposed to be numb from the chest down, but the drugs went all the way up to my brain. I couldn't move my arms, couldn't talk, and my brain was telling me I couldn't breathe (even though I actually was). I had hallucinations and was REALLY scared. I thought "this is it, I'm going to die." The doctors finally figured out something was wrong and put me under. A few complications during surgery happened and I lost so much blood they were going to do a blood transfusion, but didn't have to. I woke up in the ICU in a lot of pain. My son had to be put in an oxygen dome for a little while. And after about a day I finally got to hold him. Because of the complications during delivery they pumped so much fluid into me, that my legs were about 5x their normal size. And they really hurt. And I'm not exaggerating. After about a week at home I noticed my stomach was red, went to the ER and had an infection. Had to be put on antibiotics via an IV, makes it hard to breastfeed with so many freaking tubes coming out. Had to spend another week at the hospital (oh joy!).
Anyways..... I just wanted to let you know that I too feel robbed from the wonderful experience of hearing your child's first cry and wonder if and when I decide to have another one, if I can handle another disappointing birth experience. And I totally understand the whole "your child is healthy, get over it" line making you want to scream. I did buy the book "Rebounding from Childbirth: Toward Emotional Recovery" by Lynn Madsen and it has helped me some. Just know you are not alone. Sending love and prayers... Amy
I'm so sorry you are going thru this Genna. {{Hugs}}
Email me, I'd love to know who the d**khead is! I kinda wonder if it was my OBGYN. He sucked!
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